I foolishly ran apt-get dist-upgrade because I am bad at computer and the motd said I should.

Obviously, this immediately wiped out every package and piece of configuration on the server. I was at least aware enough of how likely this was to end badly to choose the least-destructive host to try my luck on.

I'll reprovision the host and hopefully we'll be back in business shortly without much fanfare.

(This host is the replica database for the "Files" application partition, so even if I had to completely burn it to the ground nothing would be lost.)