diff --git a/src/applications/files/PhabricatorImageTransformer.php b/src/applications/files/PhabricatorImageTransformer.php
--- a/src/applications/files/PhabricatorImageTransformer.php
+++ b/src/applications/files/PhabricatorImageTransformer.php
@@ -6,193 +6,6 @@
  */
 final class PhabricatorImageTransformer extends Phobject {
 
-  public function executeMemeTransform(
-    PhabricatorFile $file,
-    $upper_text,
-    $lower_text) {
-    $image = $this->applyMemeToFile($file, $upper_text, $lower_text);
-    return PhabricatorFile::newFromFileData(
-      $image,
-      array(
-        'name' => 'meme-'.$file->getName(),
-        'ttl.relative' => phutil_units('24 hours in seconds'),
-        'canCDN' => true,
-      ));
-  }
-
-  private function applyMemeToFile(
-    PhabricatorFile $file,
-    $upper_text,
-    $lower_text) {
-    $data = $file->loadFileData();
-
-    $img_type = $file->getMimeType();
-    $imagemagick = PhabricatorEnv::getEnvConfig('files.enable-imagemagick');
-
-    if ($img_type != 'image/gif' || $imagemagick == false) {
-      return $this->applyMemeTo(
-        $data, $upper_text, $lower_text, $img_type);
-    }
-
-    $data = $file->loadFileData();
-    $input = new TempFile();
-    Filesystem::writeFile($input, $data);
-
-    list($out) = execx('convert %s info:', $input);
-    $split = phutil_split_lines($out);
-    if (count($split) > 1) {
-      return $this->applyMemeWithImagemagick(
-        $input,
-        $upper_text,
-        $lower_text,
-        count($split),
-        $img_type);
-    } else {
-      return $this->applyMemeTo($data, $upper_text, $lower_text, $img_type);
-    }
-  }
-
-  private function applyMemeTo(
-    $data,
-    $upper_text,
-    $lower_text,
-    $mime_type) {
-    $img = imagecreatefromstring($data);
-
-    // Some PNGs have color palettes, and allocating the dark border color
-    // fails and gives us whatever's first in the color table. Copy the image
-    // to a fresh truecolor canvas before working with it.
-
-    $truecolor = imagecreatetruecolor(imagesx($img), imagesy($img));
-    imagecopy($truecolor, $img, 0, 0, 0, 0, imagesx($img), imagesy($img));
-    $img = $truecolor;
-
-    $phabricator_root = dirname(phutil_get_library_root('phabricator'));
-    $font_root = $phabricator_root.'/resources/font/';
-    $font_path = $font_root.'tuffy.ttf';
-    if (Filesystem::pathExists($font_root.'impact.ttf')) {
-      $font_path = $font_root.'impact.ttf';
-    }
-    $text_color = imagecolorallocate($img, 255, 255, 255);
-    $border_color = imagecolorallocatealpha($img, 0, 0, 0, 110);
-    $border_width = 4;
-    $font_max = 200;
-    $font_min = 5;
-    for ($i = $font_max; $i > $font_min; $i--) {
-      $fit = $this->doesTextBoundingBoxFitInImage(
-        $img,
-        $upper_text,
-        $i,
-        $font_path);
-      if ($fit['doesfit']) {
-        $x = ($fit['imgwidth'] - $fit['txtwidth']) / 2;
-        $y = $fit['txtheight'] + 10;
-        $this->makeImageWithTextBorder($img,
-          $i,
-          $x,
-          $y,
-          $text_color,
-          $border_color,
-          $border_width,
-          $font_path,
-          $upper_text);
-        break;
-      }
-    }
-    for ($i = $font_max; $i > $font_min; $i--) {
-      $fit = $this->doesTextBoundingBoxFitInImage($img,
-        $lower_text, $i, $font_path);
-      if ($fit['doesfit']) {
-        $x = ($fit['imgwidth'] - $fit['txtwidth']) / 2;
-        $y = $fit['imgheight'] - 10;
-        $this->makeImageWithTextBorder(
-          $img,
-          $i,
-          $x,
-          $y,
-          $text_color,
-          $border_color,
-          $border_width,
-          $font_path,
-          $lower_text);
-        break;
-      }
-    }
-    return self::saveImageDataInAnyFormat($img, $mime_type);
-  }
-
-  private function makeImageWithTextBorder($img, $font_size, $x, $y,
-    $color, $stroke_color, $bw, $font, $text) {
-    $angle = 0;
-    $bw = abs($bw);
-    for ($c1 = $x - $bw; $c1 <= $x + $bw; $c1++) {
-      for ($c2 = $y - $bw; $c2 <= $y + $bw; $c2++) {
-        if (!(($c1 == $x - $bw || $x + $bw) &&
-          $c2 == $y - $bw || $c2 == $y + $bw)) {
-          $bg = imagettftext($img, $font_size,
-            $angle, $c1, $c2, $stroke_color, $font, $text);
-          }
-        }
-      }
-    imagettftext($img, $font_size, $angle,
-            $x , $y, $color , $font, $text);
-  }
-
-  private function doesTextBoundingBoxFitInImage($img,
-    $text, $font_size, $font_path) {
-    // Default Angle = 0
-    $angle = 0;
-
-    $bbox = imagettfbbox($font_size, $angle, $font_path, $text);
-    $text_height = abs($bbox[3] - $bbox[5]);
-    $text_width = abs($bbox[0] - $bbox[2]);
-    return array(
-      'doesfit' => ($text_height * 1.05 <= imagesy($img) / 2
-        && $text_width * 1.05 <= imagesx($img)),
-      'txtwidth' => $text_width,
-      'txtheight' => $text_height,
-      'imgwidth' => imagesx($img),
-      'imgheight' => imagesy($img),
-    );
-  }
-
-  private function applyMemeWithImagemagick(
-    $input,
-    $above,
-    $below,
-    $count,
-    $img_type) {
-
-    $output = new TempFile();
-    $future = new ExecFuture(
-      'convert %s -coalesce +adjoin %s_%s',
-      $input,
-      $input,
-      '%09d');
-    $future->setTimeout(10)->resolvex();
-
-    $output_files = array();
-    for ($ii = 0; $ii < $count; $ii++) {
-      $frame_name = sprintf('%s_%09d', $input, $ii);
-      $output_name = sprintf('%s_%09d', $output, $ii);
-
-      $output_files[] = $output_name;
-
-      $frame_data = Filesystem::readFile($frame_name);
-      $memed_frame_data = $this->applyMemeTo(
-        $frame_data,
-        $above,
-        $below,
-        $img_type);
-      Filesystem::writeFile($output_name, $memed_frame_data);
-    }
-
-    $future = new ExecFuture('convert -loop 0 %Ls %s', $output_files, $output);
-    $future->setTimeout(10)->resolvex();
-
-    return Filesystem::readFile($output);
-  }
-
 
 /* -(  Saving Image Data  )-------------------------------------------------- */
 
diff --git a/src/applications/macro/engine/PhabricatorMemeEngine.php b/src/applications/macro/engine/PhabricatorMemeEngine.php
--- a/src/applications/macro/engine/PhabricatorMemeEngine.php
+++ b/src/applications/macro/engine/PhabricatorMemeEngine.php
@@ -8,6 +8,7 @@
   private $belowText;
 
   private $templateFile;
+  private $metrics;
 
   public function setViewer(PhabricatorUser $viewer) {
     $this->viewer = $viewer;
@@ -68,11 +69,7 @@
 
     $hash = $this->newTransformHash();
 
-    $transformer = new PhabricatorImageTransformer();
-    $asset = $transformer->executeMemeTransform(
-      $template,
-      $this->getAboveText(),
-      $this->getBelowText());
+    $asset = $this->newAssetFile($template);
 
     $xfile = id(new PhabricatorTransformedFile())
       ->setOriginalPHID($template->getPHID())
@@ -160,4 +157,225 @@
     return $this->templateFile;
   }
 
+  private function newAssetFile(PhabricatorFile $template) {
+    $data = $this->newAssetData($template);
+    return PhabricatorFile::newFromFileData(
+      $data,
+      array(
+        'name' => 'meme-'.$template->getName(),
+        'ttl.relative' => phutil_units('24 hours in seconds'),
+        'canCDN' => true,
+      ));
+  }
+
+  private function newAssetData(PhabricatorFile $template) {
+    $template_data = $template->loadFileData();
+
+    $result = $this->newImagemagickAsset($template, $template_data);
+    if ($result) {
+      return $result;
+    }
+
+    return $this->newGDAsset($template, $template_data);
+  }
+
+  private function newImagemagickAsset(
+    PhabricatorFile $template,
+    $template_data) {
+
+    // We're only going to use Imagemagick on GIFs.
+    $mime_type = $template->getMimeType();
+    if ($mime_type != 'image/gif') {
+      return null;
+    }
+
+    // We're only going to use Imagemagick if it is actually available.
+    $available = PhabricatorEnv::getEnvConfig('files.enable-imagemagick');
+    if (!$available) {
+      return null;
+    }
+
+    // Test of the GIF is an animated GIF. If it's a flat GIF, we'll fall
+    // back to GD.
+    $input = new TempFile();
+    Filesystem::writeFile($input, $template_data);
+    list($err, $out) = exec_manual('convert %s info:', $input);
+    if ($err) {
+      return null;
+    }
+
+    $split = phutil_split_lines($out);
+    $frames = count($split);
+    if ($frames <= 1) {
+      return null;
+    }
+
+    // Split the frames apart, transform each frame, then merge them back
+    // together.
+    $output = new TempFile();
+
+    $future = new ExecFuture(
+      'convert %s -coalesce +adjoin %s_%s',
+      $input,
+      $input,
+      '%09d');
+    $future->setTimeout(10)->resolvex();
+
+    $output_files = array();
+    for ($ii = 0; $ii < $frames; $ii++) {
+      $frame_name = sprintf('%s_%09d', $input, $ii);
+      $output_name = sprintf('%s_%09d', $output, $ii);
+
+      $output_files[] = $output_name;
+
+      $frame_data = Filesystem::readFile($frame_name);
+      $memed_frame_data = $this->newGDAsset($template, $frame_data);
+      Filesystem::writeFile($output_name, $memed_frame_data);
+    }
+
+    $future = new ExecFuture('convert -loop 0 %Ls %s', $output_files, $output);
+    $future->setTimeout(10)->resolvex();
+
+    return Filesystem::readFile($output);
+  }
+
+  private function newGDAsset(PhabricatorFile $template, $data) {
+    $img = imagecreatefromstring($data);
+    if (!$img) {
+      throw new Exception(
+        pht('Failed to imagecreatefromstring() image template data.'));
+    }
+
+    $dx = imagesx($img);
+    $dy = imagesy($img);
+
+    $metrics = $this->getMetrics($dx, $dy);
+    $font = $this->getFont();
+    $size = $metrics['size'];
+
+    $above = $this->getAboveText();
+    if (strlen($above)) {
+      $x = (int)floor(($dx - $metrics['text']['above']['width']) / 2);
+      $y = $metrics['text']['above']['height'] + 12;
+
+      $this->drawText($img, $font, $metrics['size'], $x, $y, $above);
+    }
+
+    $below = $this->getBelowText();
+    if (strlen($below)) {
+      $x = (int)floor(($dx - $metrics['text']['below']['width']) / 2);
+      $y = $dy - 12 - $metrics['text']['below']['descend'];
+
+      $this->drawText($img, $font, $metrics['size'], $x, $y, $below);
+    }
+
+    return PhabricatorImageTransformer::saveImageDataInAnyFormat(
+      $img,
+      $template->getMimeType());
+  }
+
+  private function getFont() {
+    $phabricator_root = dirname(phutil_get_library_root('phabricator'));
+
+    $font_root = $phabricator_root.'/resources/font/';
+    if (Filesystem::pathExists($font_root.'impact.ttf')) {
+      $font_path = $font_root.'impact.ttf';
+    } else {
+      $font_path = $font_root.'tuffy.ttf';
+    }
+
+    return $font_path;
+  }
+
+  private function getMetrics($dim_x, $dim_y) {
+    if ($this->metrics === null) {
+      $font = $this->getFont();
+
+      $font_max = 72;
+      $font_min = 5;
+
+      $last = null;
+      $cursor = floor(($font_max + $font_min) / 2);
+      $min = $font_min;
+      $max = $font_max;
+
+      $texts = array(
+        'above' => $this->getAboveText(),
+        'below' => $this->getBelowText(),
+      );
+
+      $metrics = null;
+      $best = null;
+      while (true) {
+        $all_fit = true;
+        $text_metrics = array();
+        foreach ($texts as $key => $text) {
+          $box = imagettfbbox($cursor, 0, $font, $text);
+          $height = abs($box[3] - $box[5]);
+          $width = abs($box[0] - $box[2]);
+
+          // This is the number of pixels below the baseline that the
+          // text extends, for example if it has a "y".
+          $descend = $box[3];
+
+          if ($height > $dim_y) {
+            $all_fit = false;
+            break;
+          }
+
+          if ($width > $dim_x) {
+            $all_fit = false;
+            break;
+          }
+
+          $text_metrics[$key]['width'] = $width;
+          $text_metrics[$key]['height'] = $height;
+          $text_metrics[$key]['descend'] = $descend;
+        }
+
+        if ($all_fit || $best === null) {
+          $best = $cursor;
+          $metrics = $text_metrics;
+        }
+
+        if ($all_fit) {
+          $min = $cursor;
+        } else {
+          $max = $cursor;
+        }
+
+        $last = $cursor;
+        $cursor = floor(($max + $min) / 2);
+        if ($cursor === $last) {
+          break;
+        }
+      }
+
+      $this->metrics = array(
+        'size' => $best,
+        'text' => $metrics,
+      );
+    }
+
+    return $this->metrics;
+  }
+
+  private function drawText($img, $font, $size, $x, $y, $text) {
+    $text_color = imagecolorallocate($img, 255, 255, 255);
+    $border_color = imagecolorallocate($img, 0, 0, 0);
+
+    $border = 2;
+    for ($xx = ($x - $border); $xx <= ($x + $border); $xx += $border) {
+      for ($yy = ($y - $border); $yy <= ($y + $border); $yy += $border) {
+        if (($xx === $x) && ($yy === $y)) {
+          continue;
+        }
+        imagettftext($img, $size, 0, $xx, $yy, $border_color, $font, $text);
+      }
+    }
+
+    imagettftext($img, $size, 0, $x, $y, $text_color, $font, $text);
+  }
+
+
 }